I’m a staffer for a neurotic Congresswoman. On my first day on the job she insisted that I wash my hands 72 times. She claims "cleanliness” is part of her campaign. I think she’s OCD.

I just spent a fortune on going to fashion school. The only job I can get is at a local thrift store.

Someone keeps stealing my lunch at work. I’m starting to hide old Chinese food and tacos in the refrigerator. Eventually the person will die.

My parents think I work at a pet stop. My afterschool job is at a sex shop.

I’m a gym teacher and ALL my students are unbelievably obese. Last week I had a fat kid’s parent call and tell me to stop torturing her 12-year old. I made him run 4 laps (1 whole mile) and he started to cry.

I work at Ruby Tuesday and when customers don’t tip well I walk past their tables and fart loudly. Sometimes I giggle.

Sometimes I take naps in my cubicle under my desk

I’m in charge of tours at an aquarium. When annoying preteens visit I make up incorrect facts about marine life like dolphins eat people. Usually they believe me.

Sure, we live in the "land of the free" - but not really. My boss and other office cronies look over employees' twitter postings (even outside office hours). So by simply following "i hate my 9 to 5" could literally cause me to lose it. Even though I do hate it. Sad, pathetic, but totally true.

My boss is a bitch. Despite this I was sadden to learn she was going to die. One day in the elevator I overheard two employees say she was “changeable and moody because of her cancer”. I decided to stupidly ask about her current health status and offer my condolences. After a confusing conversation and me re-hashing the elevator incident I realized my boss is not dying. Her zodiac sign is cancer.

My office recently started a weight-loss challenge to encourage healthy living habits. I got really into it and started drinking protein shakes at lunch and emailing my work colleagues exercise routines. Today I was accidently cc:ed on an email that said I was “a fitness douchebag and should go on biggest loser already”.

For 3 weeks my office smelled like fish. My co-workers thought something died in my office. Apparently something did. A rat after eating my 3 week old tuna sandwich that fell behind my printer.

After every strategy meeting my co-worker will slap me on the back and say “Listen, you fail I cover your ass. I fail you cover my ass! And if we both fail? Then we're both fucked!” He finds this comment hilarious. I didn’t get the reference until I was telling my dad about it. My dad recognized it immediately replying; “the moron is quoting Die Hard: With a Vengeance dear. You should start looking for a new job.”

I was attacked one night walking to my apartment, and the guys broke my collarbone and did a number on my face. I called my boss to let her know and she told me to take time off to recover as Disability Leave. A week and a half into my "Disability" I received a call from our benefits department telling me I wasn't entitled to Disability Leave, since I hadn't been with the company long enough. Instead, the time I had taken off was being considered sick days and vacation time, and they were calling me to let me know that I had run out of my entitlement for the year, and if I expected to get paid I had to come in the next day. Without any vacation days left, I didn't get to spend Christmas with my family.